SEASON 1
1. Pilot
2. Big Flappy Bastards
3. Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
4. If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
5. The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump
6. Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
7. If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
8. Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful
9. Phase One, Complete
10. Merry Thanksgiving
11. Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
12. Camel Filters and Pheromones
13. Sarah Like Puny Alan
14. I Can't Afford Hyenas
15. Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
16. That Was Saliva, Alan
17. Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats
18. An Old Flame with a New Wick
19. I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
20. Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
21. No Sniffing, No Wowing
22. My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet
23. Just Like Buffalo
24. Can You Feel My Finger
1. Pilot
2. Big Flappy Bastards
3. Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
4. If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
5. The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump
6. Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
7. If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
8. Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful
9. Phase One, Complete
10. Merry Thanksgiving
11. Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
12. Camel Filters and Pheromones
13. Sarah Like Puny Alan
14. I Can't Afford Hyenas
15. Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
16. That Was Saliva, Alan
17. Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats
18. An Old Flame with a New Wick
19. I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
20. Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
21. No Sniffing, No Wowing
22. My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet
23. Just Like Buffalo
24. Can You Feel My Finger
SEASON 2
1. Back Off Mary Poppins
2. Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
3. A Bag Full of Jawea
4. Go Get Mommy's Bra
5. Bad News from the Clinic
6. The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
7. A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
8. Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
9. Yes, Monsignor
10. The Salmon Under My Sweater
11. Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
12. A Lung Full of Alan
13. Zejdz z Zmoich Wlosów
14. Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
15. Smell the Umbrella Stand
16. Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?
17. Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam!
18. It Was Mame, Mom
19. A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise
20. I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
21. A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
22. That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
23. Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
24. Does This Smell Funny to You
SEASON 3
1. Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
2. Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
3. Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
4. Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
5. We Called It Mr. Pinky
6. Hi, Mr. Horned One
7. Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
8. That Voodoo That I Do Do
9. Madame and Her Special Friend
10. Something Salted and Twisted
11. Santa's Village of the Damned
12. That Special Tug
13. Humiliation Is a Visual Medium
14. Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
15. My Tongue Is Meat
16. Ergo, the Booty Call
17. The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer
18. The Spit-Covered Cobbler
19. Golly Moses, She's a Muffin
20. Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
21. And the Plot Moistens
22. Just Once with Aunt Sophie
23. Arguments for the Quickie
24. That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
SEASON 4
1. Working for Caligula
2. Who's Vod Kanockers
3. The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress
4. A Pot Smoking Monkey
5. A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
6. Apologies for the Frivolity
7. Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
8. Release the Dogs
9. Corey's Been Dead for an Hour
10. Kissing Abraham Lincoln
11. Walnuts and Demerol
12. Castrating Sheep in Montana
13. Don't Worry, Speed Racer
14. That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
15. My Damn Stalker
16. Young People Have Phlegm Too
17. I Merely Slept with a Commie
18. It Never Rains in Hooterville
19. Smooth as a Ken Doll
20. Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
21. Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
22. Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
23. Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin
24. Prostitutes and Gelato
SEASON 5
1. Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
2. Media Room Slash Dungeon
3. Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
4. City of Great Racks
5. Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
6. Help Daddy Find His Toenail
7. Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
8. Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
9. Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids
10. Kinda Like Necrophilia
11. Meander to Your Dander
12. A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
13. The Soil is Moist
14. Winky-Dink Time
15. Rough Night in Hump Junction
16. Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
17. Fish in a Drawer
18. If My Hole Could Talk
19. Waiting for the Right Snapper
SEASON 6
1. Taterhead Is Our Love Child
2. Pie Hole, Herb
3. Damn You, Eggs Benedict
4. The Flavin' and the Mavin'
5. A Jock Strap in Hell
6. It's Always Nazi Week
7. Best H.O. Money Can Buy
8. Pinocchio's Mouth
9. The Mooch at the Boo
10. He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
11. The Devil's Lube
12. Thank God for Scoliosis
13. I Think You Offended Don
14. David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
15. I'd Like to Start with the Cat
16. She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime
17. The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?
18. My Son's Enormous Head
19. The Two Finger Rule
20. Hello, I am Alan Cousteau
21. Above Exalted Cyclops
22. Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
23. Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
24. Baseball Was Better with Steroids
SEASON 7
1. 818-jklpuzo
2. Whipped Unto the Third Generation
3. Mmm, Fish. Yum.
4. Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
5. For the Sake of the Child
6. Give Me Your Thumb
7. Untainted by Filth
8. Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
9. Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
10. That's Why They Call It 'Ball Room'
11. Warning, It's Dirty
12. Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
13. Yay, No Polyps
14. Crude and Uncalled For
15. Aye, Aye, Captain Douche
16. Tinkle Like a Princess
17. I Found Your Moustache
18. Ixnay on the Oggie Day
19. Keith Moon Is Vomiting in his Grave
20. I Called Him Magoo
21. Gumby with a Pokey
22. This Is Not Gonna End Well
SEASON 8
1. Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
2. A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
3. A Pudding-Filled Cactus
4. Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
5. The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
6. Twanging Your Magic Clanger
7. The Crazy Bitch Gazette
8. Springtime on a Stick
9. A Good Time in Central Africa
10. Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
11. Dead from the Waist Down
12. Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
13. Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
14. Lookin' for Japanese Subs
15. Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
16. That Darn Priest
SEASON 9
1. Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
2. People Who Love Peepholes
3. Big Girls Don't Throw Food
4. Nine Magic Fingers
5. A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
6. The Squat and the Hover
7. Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
8. Thank You for the Intercourse
9. Frodo's Headshots
10. A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
11. What a Lovely Landing Strip
12. One False Move, Zimbabwe!
13. Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
14. A Possum on Chemo
15. The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
16. Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
17. Not in My Mouth!
18. The War Against Gingivitis
19. Palmdale, Ech
20. Grandma's Pie
21. Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'
22. Why We Gave Up Women
23. The Straw in My Donut Hole
24. Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
SEASON 10
1. I Changed My Mind About the Milk
2. A Big Bag of Dog
3. Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
4. You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For
5. That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam
6. Ferrets, Attack!
7. Avoid the Chinese Mustard
8. Something My Gynecologist Said
9. I Scream When I Pee
10. One Nut Johnson
11. Give Santa a Tail-Hole
12. Welcome to Alancrest
13. Grab a Feather and Get in Line
14. Run, Steven Staven! Run!
15. Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
16. Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
17. Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
18. The 9:04 from Pemberton
19. Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon
20. Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
21. Another Night with Neil Diamond
22. My Bodacious Vidalia
23. Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
SEASON 11
1. Nangnangnangnang
2. I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
3. This Unblessed Biscuit
4. Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
5. Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
6. Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
7. Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
8. Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
9. Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
10. On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!
11. Tazed in the Lady Nuts
12. Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
13. Bite Me, Supreme Court
14. Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe
15. Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
16. How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
17. Welcome Home, Jake
18. West Side Story
19. Lan mao shi zai wuding shang
20. Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
21. Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
22. Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
SEASON 12
1. The Ol' Mexican Spinach
2. A Chic Bar in Ibiza
3. Glamping in a Yurt
4. Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
5. Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
6. Alan Shot a Little Girl
7. Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
8. Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
9. Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
10. Here I Come, Pants!
11. For Whom the Booty Calls
12. A Beer-Battered Rip-Off
13. Boompa Loved His Hookers
14. Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
15. Of Course He's Dead: Part 1 & 2
There's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.
Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Listen, you lousy S.O.B., I will not be treated like this.
Either you call me, or you are gonna be very, very sorry.
A telemarketer電話市調員
it's a woman I went out with once and she got a little clingy.
No big deal, just wanted to touch base.
touch base with
base是基地或基礎。to touch base就是把某件事的情況告訴有關的人，出自美國的棒球運動，逐漸變成跟人聯絡的意思。
Is she staying over? Because I may have parked behind her.
I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows?
You know, "Till death do us part." Who died? Not me. Not her.
The key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks. Not sitting on your welcome mat.
she feels suffocated
She kept going on and on, "I'm suffocating. "
Teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days.
Look, okay,
this is just until things settle out.
A couple of days max.
She will come to her senses.
Yeah. That's what women do.
Look, you can have the guest room.
I'll grab some sheets.
That's okay. I brought my own.
You brought your own sheets?
I like my sheets.
- Okay, then, good night.
- No, wait.
I mean, we hardly ever talk
to each other.
What do you want to talk about, Alan?
I don't know.
I was named Chiropractor of the Year by the San Fernando
Valley Chiropractic Association.
I make a lot of money for doing very little work. I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about my feelings. I drive a Jag, I live at the beach, and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas and take a nap out on the sundeck.
Nobody likes a wiseass.
You have to put $1 in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Tell you what, here's $20. That should cover me till lunch.
Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list.
On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage, and on the other side, what you do.
Okay, that would probably go on the "don't" side.
You are the most rigid, inflexible, obsessive, anal-retentive man I've ever met.
My mom and dad are splitting up.
When I was your age, I could only dream about my parents splitting up.
Listen, he doesn't know anything about what's going on, so let's just keep this to ourselves.
Thanks. Listen, I've got to call my office.
Keep it up, you'll be on one of the cartons.
Okay, cereal.
We got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs,
Frosted Flakes and Maple Loops.
I want Maple Loops.
It's got oats and corn and wheat
It's the sweetest breakfast treat
e Charlie wrote that.
- No lie?
If I was to lie, I'd say I wrote Stairway to Heaven, not the Maple Loops song.
Stairway to Heaven齊柏林飛船的名曲
He has a very musky scent.
Well, I'll just let you get to work.
I'm a babe magnet.
I got to take a squirt.
Why do you assume he learned that from me?
You've met some of the whack jobs
I've gone out with.
- It's not that big a stretch.
- So, this is my fault?
Hey, pal, of the two of us, I'll bet I'm the only one who's slept
with a married woman recently.
And isn't that something to brag about?
You stay out of this.
I'm here to help your brother
through a very difficult time.
How could you do this to me?
Do what?
Now when I want to see my grandson
I am going to have to make
an appointment with Judith,
who, let's face it,
was never very warm to me.
And what if there's another man there?
Shacking up with her?
Have we even stopped to consider that?
I think he's considering it now, Mom.
- Here's your iced tea, Grandma.
- Thank you, my little angel.
Darling, I asked for a lemon wedge.
All right.
Here's what you're going to do.
You and Jake will come live with me.
After all, I'm just rattling around
in that big house all by myself.
That's very considerate, but as soon as
Judith and I work things out,
I'm going to be back at my own house.
Sweetheart, grow up.
Think about what I said.
You're my son, and I'll always have room
for you in my house
and in my heart.
I love you, too, Mom.
- I love you, too, Mom.
- Too little. Too late.
- So, Vegas was good?
- It was fine.
Alan, I really want to apologize
for putting you through this.
I was wrong to blame you
for my unhappiness.
No, no need to apologize.
What's important is that we're here
and we're working on our marriage.
You look great, by the way.
Must be all the extra oxygen
they pump into the casinos.
- Alan...
- And you were right.
I see now that the time apart
did us both a lot of good.
I know I've grown.
I'm not that suffocating guy
you threw out of the house
four and a half days ago,
let me tell you that.
Jake's doing fine.
You were concerned about him
being around my brother,
but Charlie's great with kids.
All right, last card, down and dirty.
King's bet.
- $1.
- I'm in.
In.
I'll see $1 and raise it $5.
You raised $5 on that?
- I call.
- I call.
Queens full of nines.
Kid,
don't you know what a full house is?
Yeah.
And I also know what a psych-out is.
I love this boy.
And I think we're gonna look back on
this as a new beginning for our marriage.
A rebirth. A renaissance, if you will.
Alan, I think I'm gay.
All right.
We'll make a list.
On one side, we'll put gay stuff...
I'll see you
and raise you $20.
- I think he's got you, pal.
- He's bluffing.
He always pulls his ear when he bluffs.
How about it, Mighty Mouse? You in?
Take him down.
Call you.
I hate this kid.
What the hell is going on here?
You said "hell. "
- Throw $1 in the pot.
- What?
Hey, we all had to.
Charlie, may I speak with you
privately, please?
- Whose deal is it?
- Jake, go to bed!
I'm out.
What is wrong with you? Are you insane?
Do you have any sense
of right and wrong?
Probably not. How was dinner?
How could you put Jake in a poker game
with grown men?
I obviously can't be trusted.
So, how was dinner?
I leave you alone with him
for a couple of hours...
I'm just gonna keep asking, Alan.
Dinner was swell. We both had
the veal piccata and she's gay!
Wow.
Most chicks won't eat veal.
Why do I even try talking to you?
Come on, I'm just trying to get you
to lighten up a little.
I don't need to lighten up.
The world I live in is dark.
Dark and rainy.
And you're useless in it!
Really? I wasn't useless
when you needed a place to stay.
Obviously that was a mistake.
Are you sure?
Maybe we should make a list.
Uncle Charlie?
What's going on? Can't sleep?
No.
My dad says we're moving
to Grandma's tomorrow.
Yeah, that'd keep me up.
If it makes you feel any better,
you won $80 on that last hand.
$85.
$80. The house gets a cut.
I wish my dad was as cool as you.
Don't sell your dad short.
He loves you
more than anything in the world.
You know that, don't you?
I guess.
How come you don't have any kids?
I don't know.
Maybe because I love me
more than anything in the world.
- Uncle Charlie?
- Yeah?
I don't want to go to Grandma's.
I'd rather stay here.
Yeah, well, your dad knows
what's best for you.
Okay. Good night, Uncle Charlie.
I love you.
Yeah. Okay.
You got to love a kid like that.
I even played him Stairway to Heaven
and he still liked
the Maple Loops song better.
Charlie,
I haven't seen you in two weeks.
You finally got the house
back to yourself.
Now, do you want to talk about
your nephew, or do you want to have sex?
Sex. Definitely sex.
- Let me ask you something.
- Yeah?
Do you ever think about having kids?
Whoa, we've got a good thing going.
Can't we just leave it at that?
What are you doing?
I thought we were gonna have sex.
How am I supposed to have sex while
your biological clock is going off?
Hey, it's Charlie.
Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Hi, Monkey Man.
I was just thinking about you
and wondering why we hurt each other
so much.
Rose, it's me, Monkey Man.
- Charlie?
- Yeah, listen, let me ask you a question.
Is there something
inherently wrong with
asking a woman you're involved with
if she wants kids?
Charlie, we got a good thing going,
why do you want to mess it up?
Look at you.
All grown up and back living with Mom.
How good do you feel about yourself
right now?
On a scale of one to two.
I'm not back living with Mom.
I'm simply staying here
till Judith and I work things out.
So, one?
What do you want, Charlie?
I figured you've been here
a couple of weeks,
you got to have blood
in your stool by now.
So, I thought if you and Jake wanted
to come back to my place for a while,
- that'd be okay.
- Wait a minute.
Are you saying you want me
to come back and live with you?
Well, truthfully, no.
I want Jake to come back
and live with me,
but I figure you're a package deal.
Thanks, but we're doing just fine
here with Mom.
Come on. We can't let Jake be exposed
to her on any kind of ongoing basis.
There's no ongoing basis.
He's only here on weekends.
That's too much.
Piranhas can strip an entire cow
in an hour.
Alan, we've got to get him away from her.
I mean, look what happened to us.
And what happened to you?
Hi, Mom.
Charlie, you're a grown man.
Perhaps it's time to stop blaming
your mother for your own shortcomings.
Alan, the divan is not for sitting.
Charlie, get off the couch.
Uncle Charlie.
There's my good boy.
And what did I tell you
about yelling in the house?
Grandma, I'm suffocating.
Sound familiar?
You're right, this madness must end.
Here, I got you your own key.
I am not comfortable with this.
I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car.
You're not waiting in the car.
Trust me, this is a great way
to meet women.
I don't want to meet women.
I'm still married.
Come on, your wife's out meeting chicks,
why shouldn't you?
It's got oats and corn and wheat
It's the sweetest breakfast treat
It's maple maple maple-licious
Your son is just adorable.
- Thank you.
- You and your
life partner must be so proud.
You're right. Go wait in the car.
政策有多錯誤...
由於本土疫情急遽升溫，
- So, what do you think?
- Wow.
It's for you, right?
It's for both of us. Don't go away.
Don't worry. There's not enough blood
left in my legs to go anywhere.
Hey, it's Charlie.
Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Listen, you lousy S.O.B.,
I will not be treated like this.
Either you call me,
or you are gonna be very, very sorry.
I love you, Monkey Man.
Charlie?
Who was that?
Damn telemarketers.
A telemarketer who calls you
Monkey Man?
I'm on some weird list.
Okay, it's a woman I went out with once
and she got a little clingy.
You are a bad, bad boy.
And yet, you're always the one
getting spanked.
Jeez.
Hey, it's Charlie.
Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Charlie, it's Alan. Your brother.
No big deal, just wanted to touch base.
My wife threw me out,
and I'm kind of losing the will to live.
So, when you get a chance,
I'd really love to... I don't know...
Alan, I'm sorry to hear about that.
So, where you gonna go, to a hotel? Wow.
Well, yeah, I guess you could stay here.
Okay. I'll see you when you get here.
We better hurry.
Is she staying over?
Because I may have parked behind her.
Twelve years,
and she just throws me out.
I mean, what was the point
of our wedding vows?
You know, "Till death do us part. "
Who died? Not me. Not her.
How did you get in my house?
Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock
only works if it's among other rocks.
Not sitting on your welcome mat.
Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock
in with a bunch of other rocks,
it's impossible to find when
you're drunk.
You know, I'm a good husband.
I'm faithful.
- Is she?
- Is she what?
Faithful.
Don't be ridiculous.
Judith doesn't even like sex.
I mean, all she kept saying was
she feels suffocated, you know?
She kept going on and on,
"I'm suffocating. "
What does that mean, you know?
Has a woman ever said that to you?
Well, yeah.
But not a woman who doesn't like sex.
And Jake. This could just destroy Jake.
- Jake?
- My son.
Teenagers are pretty sophisticated
these days.
Look, okay, this is just until things settle out.
A couple of days max. She will come to her senses.
Yeah. That's what women do.
Look, you can have the guest room. I'll grab some sheets.
I mean, we hardly ever talk to each other.
I was named Chiropractor of the Year by the San Fernando
Valley Chiropractic Association.
Well, Alan, there's not much to say.
I make a lot of money
for doing very little work.
I sleep with beautiful women
who don't ask about my feelings.
I drive a Jag, I live at the beach,
and sometimes in the middle of the day,
for no reason at all,
I like to make myself
a big pitcher of margaritas
and take a nap out on the sundeck.
- Okay, then. Good night, Charlie.
- Good night.
Good night, Monkey Man.
Boy, is your eye red.
You should see it from in here.
What are you doing here, Jake?
My mom brought me.
Will you take me swimming in the ocean?
Can we talk about it
after my head stops exploding?
Why is your head exploding?
Well, I drank a little too much wine
last night.
If it makes you feel bad,
why do you drink it?
Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
You have to put $1 in the swear jar.
You said "ass. "
Tell you what,
here's $20.
That should cover me till lunch.
Now, what I think you need to do
is to make a list.
On one side, put what you don't like
about our marriage,
and on the other side, what you do.
Alan, sometimes when I think
about coming home to you,
I start crying in my car.
Okay, that would probably
go on the "don't" side.
Why would I lie?
The ocean is closed today.
For God's sake, do you think
you could put some pants on?
Look at me, Judy.
I could barely make it down the stairs.
Charlie, could you and Jake...
Yeah, come on, kid,
we'll have breakfast out on the deck.
I already had breakfast.
- Okay, we'll have lunch.
- It's not lunchtime.
That's his head exploding.
Judith, I can change.
Please, Alan.
You are the most rigid, inflexible,
obsessive, anal-retentive man
I've ever met.
Rigid and inflexible?
Don't you think that's a little
redundant?
My mom and dad are splitting up.
Yeah. It looks that way.
You're lucky.
When I was your age, I could only dream
about my parents splitting up.
- Your mom is my grandma.
- Yep.
Grandma says
you're a bitter disappointment.
Hey, sport,
your mom wants to say goodbye.
Listen, he doesn't know anything
about what's going on,
so let's just keep this to ourselves.
Our little secret.
Why is she saying goodbye to him?
She's gonna be spending the weekend
with her sister in Vegas.
So, we decided that
Jake would stay with me.
With you?
Well, with us.
I'm hungry.
Is this gonna be a problem?
I guess not.
Thanks. Listen, I've got to
call my office.
Would you mind making him lunch?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
What are you smiling about?
You don't have any food.
Yeah, but I'm not the one who's hungry.
Who's smiling now, shorty?
- You drink milk?
- Just with cereal.
- Okay.
- Not that milk. That milk.
- What's the difference?
- That's Dairy Farm. We drink Dairy Barn
Fine. Happy?
Why would I be happy? It's just milk.
Cute. Keep it up,
you'll be on one of the cartons.
Okay, cereal.
We got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs,
Frosted Flakes and Maple Loops.
I want Maple Loops.
It's got oats and corn and wheat
It's the sweetest breakfast treat
It's maple maple maple-licious
You know who wrote that song?
- Your uncle Charlie wrote that.
- No lie?
If I was to lie, I'd say I wrote
Stairway to Heaven,
not the Maple Loops song.
- You two are really good together.
- Thank you.
So, does your wife sing, too?
- No, I'm not married.
- What a shame.
Wow. You're even better than a dog.
Dr. Bloom? Yes, this is Alan Harper.
My wife and I need to cancel our marriage
counseling appointment for this afternoon.
Yes, well, something came up.
Well, it's kind of personal. I mean...
Well, yeah,
I know the point of these things is...
I've got to go.
- Hello?
- Is Charlie home?
No. I'm Charlie's brother.
Can I help you?
Hi, Charlie's brother. I'm Rose.
I'm Charlie's housekeeper.
So, you're a housekeeper?
Housekeeper/actress/hand model.
I just do this to keep the wolf
from the door.
You know what I mean?
Sure. Come on in.
Yeah, I can smell him.
Smell who?
Your brother. He has a very musky scent.
Well, I'll just let you get to work.
Wait.
No. It's okay.
It's got oats and corn and wheat
It's the sweetest breakfast treat
It's maple maple ma...
Jake, buddy. Take a break.
What took you so long?
We stopped for ice cream
because I'm a babe magnet.
I got to take a squirt.
Why do you assume
he learned that from me?
Because I learned it from you.
- Hey, thanks for cleaning up.
- No, it wasn't me. Rose was here.
Rose? You let Rose into my house?
She said she was your maid.
Hell, she glued the damn cabinets
shut again.
Again?
You've got somebody who comes in
regularly to glue your cabinets?
You've met some of the whack jobs
I've gone out with.
- It's not that big a stretch.
- So, this is my fault?
Who let her in?
You're a deeply disturbed man,
you know? Move it. Come on.
I'm deeply disturbed?
Who came here in the middle
of the night with his own sheets?
At least, I care what I sleep on.
Or should I say, who I sleep on.
Hey, pal, of the two of us,
I'll bet I'm the only one who's slept
with a married woman recently.
And isn't that something to brag about?
Hi, Mom.
Do you have any idea how hurtful it is
to hear about your own son's divorce
on the street?
What divorce? What street?
How did you get in my house?
You stay out of this.
I'm here to help your brother
through a very difficult time.
How could you do this to me?
Do what?
Now when I want to see my grandson
I am going to have to make
an appointment with Judith,
who, let's face it,
was never very warm to me.
And what if there's another man there?
Shacking up with her?
Have we even stopped to consider that?
I think he's considering it now, Mom.
- Here's your iced tea, Grandma.
- Thank you, my little angel.
Darling, I asked for a lemon wedge.
All right.
Here's what you're going to do.
You and Jake will come live with me.
After all, I'm just rattling around
in that big house all by myself.
That's very considerate, but as soon as
Judith and I work things out,
I'm going to be back at my own house.
Sweetheart, grow up.
Think about what I said.
You're my son, and I'll always have room
for you in my house
and in my heart.
I love you, too, Mom.
- I love you, too, Mom.
- Too little. Too late.
- So, Vegas was good?
- It was fine.
Alan, I really want to apologize
for putting you through this.
I was wrong to blame you
for my unhappiness.
No, no need to apologize.
What's important is that we're here
and we're working on our marriage.
You look great, by the way.
Must be all the extra oxygen
they pump into the casinos.
- Alan...
- And you were right.
I see now that the time apart
did us both a lot of good.
I know I've grown.
I'm not that suffocating guy
you threw out of the house
four and a half days ago,
let me tell you that.
Jake's doing fine.
You were concerned about him
being around my brother,
but Charlie's great with kids.
All right, last card, down and dirty.
King's bet.
- $1.
- I'm in.
In.
I'll see $1 and raise it $5.
You raised $5 on that?
- I call.
- I call.
Queens full of nines.
Kid,
don't you know what a full house is?
Yeah.
And I also know what a psych-out is.
I love this boy.
And I think we're gonna look back on
this as a new beginning for our marriage.
A rebirth. A renaissance, if you will.
Alan, I think I'm gay.
All right.
We'll make a list.
On one side, we'll put gay stuff...
I'll see you
and raise you $20.
- I think he's got you, pal.
- He's bluffing.
He always pulls his ear when he bluffs.
How about it, Mighty Mouse? You in?
Take him down.
Call you.
I hate this kid.
What the hell is going on here?
You said "hell. "
- Throw $1 in the pot.
- What?
Hey, we all had to.
Charlie, may I speak with you
privately, please?
- Whose deal is it?
- Jake, go to bed!
I'm out.
What is wrong with you? Are you insane?
Do you have any sense
of right and wrong?
Probably not. How was dinner?
How could you put Jake in a poker game
with grown men?
I obviously can't be trusted.
So, how was dinner?
I leave you alone with him
for a couple of hours...
I'm just gonna keep asking, Alan.
Dinner was swell. We both had
the veal piccata and she's gay!
Wow.
Most chicks won't eat veal.
Why do I even try talking to you?
Come on, I'm just trying to get you
to lighten up a little.
I don't need to lighten up.
The world I live in is dark.
Dark and rainy.
And you're useless in it!
Really? I wasn't useless
when you needed a place to stay.
Obviously that was a mistake.
Are you sure?
Maybe we should make a list.
Uncle Charlie?
What's going on? Can't sleep?
No.
My dad says we're moving
to Grandma's tomorrow.
Yeah, that'd keep me up.
If it makes you feel any better,
you won $80 on that last hand.
$85.
$80. The house gets a cut.
I wish my dad was as cool as you.
Don't sell your dad short.
He loves you
more than anything in the world.
You know that, don't you?
I guess.
How come you don't have any kids?
I don't know.
Maybe because I love me
more than anything in the world.
- Uncle Charlie?
- Yeah?
I don't want to go to Grandma's.
I'd rather stay here.
Yeah, well, your dad knows
what's best for you.
Okay. Good night, Uncle Charlie.
I love you.
Yeah. Okay.
You got to love a kid like that.
I even played him Stairway to Heaven
and he still liked
the Maple Loops song better.
Charlie,
I haven't seen you in two weeks.
You finally got the house
back to yourself.
Now, do you want to talk about
your nephew, or do you want to have sex?
Sex. Definitely sex.
- Let me ask you something.
- Yeah?
Do you ever think about having kids?
Whoa, we've got a good thing going.
Can't we just leave it at that?
What are you doing?
I thought we were gonna have sex.
How am I supposed to have sex while
your biological clock is going off?
Hey, it's Charlie.
Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Hi, Monkey Man.
I was just thinking about you
and wondering why we hurt each other
so much.
Rose, it's me, Monkey Man.
- Charlie?
- Yeah, listen, let me ask you a question.
Is there something
inherently wrong with
asking a woman you're involved with
if she wants kids?
Charlie, we got a good thing going,
why do you want to mess it up?
Look at you.
All grown up and back living with Mom.
How good do you feel about yourself
right now?
On a scale of one to two.
I'm not back living with Mom.
I'm simply staying here
till Judith and I work things out.
So, one?
What do you want, Charlie?
I figured you've been here
a couple of weeks,
you got to have blood
in your stool by now.
So, I thought if you and Jake wanted
to come back to my place for a while,
- that'd be okay.
- Wait a minute.
Are you saying you want me
to come back and live with you?
Well, truthfully, no.
I want Jake to come back
and live with me,
but I figure you're a package deal.
Thanks, but we're doing just fine
here with Mom.
Come on. We can't let Jake be exposed
to her on any kind of ongoing basis.
There's no ongoing basis.
He's only here on weekends.
That's too much.
Piranhas can strip an entire cow
in an hour.
Alan, we've got to get him away from her.
I mean, look what happened to us.
And what happened to you?
Hi, Mom.
Charlie, you're a grown man.
Perhaps it's time to stop blaming
your mother for your own shortcomings.
Alan, the divan is not for sitting.
Charlie, get off the couch.
Uncle Charlie.
There's my good boy.
And what did I tell you
about yelling in the house?
Grandma, I'm suffocating.
Sound familiar?
You're right, this madness must end.
Here, I got you your own key.
I am not comfortable with this.
I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car.
You're not waiting in the car.
Trust me, this is a great way
to meet women.
I don't want to meet women.
I'm still married.
Come on, your wife's out meeting chicks,
why shouldn't you?
It's got oats and corn and wheat
It's the sweetest breakfast treat
It's maple maple maple-licious
Your son is just adorable.
- Thank you.
- You and your
life partner must be so proud.
You're right. Go wait in the car.
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